A conundrum

So I'm just sitting here relaxing for a bit and realized a few things. First, I haven't said goodbye to any of the kids at Amani. I'm going to go resolve that in a few minutes on my way to KCMC to finish packing.

The second is more complex: I've been writing about how I'm looking forward to my old routine. I just realized that my old routine also means I'm going to work on Monday (and actually I'll be logging a little time on Friday night to book travel to Grand Rapids for Monday). One of the worst feelings at the end of a vacation (especially four weeks away from work) is the disappointment that work is just around the corner. I enjoy my job, but there are certain aspects following a return from vacation that are not fun. The one that comes to mind first is all of the e-mail that I will have to deal with. Second, the stress that there might not be any available seats on a flight to Grand Rapids for next week (or no hotels). I need to take care of Advisory University registration (even though I'll be registering late-- the registration period was entirely within my vacation period.) I'm certainly not going to take care of this work stuff now while I'm on vacation, because keeping clear separation between work and vacation is very important to me. I have been periodically downloading my work e-mail to stay somewhat loosely informed. I absolutely do not act on anything during vacation (and seldom on the weekend for that matter). I need the clear split.

The conundrum: So even though I'm looking forward to a return to things I am familiar with, I just realized that I'm also not looking forward to the routine because it is exactly that: the old routine. It's a perplexing contradiction and it's leaving me feeling uncomfortable. I'm saying two things: I want the old routine and I don't want it. There is too much change for me to be happy and not enough change for me to be happy. I haven't figured out what separates one statement from the other yet. Maybe my experience here has been so jarringly differrent from what I'm used to that my three weeks here have become some sort of alternate reality within the construct of my mind. That's not a helpful way of trying to describe how this feels I guess--a bit over the deep end on the sci-fi factor. I'm not going crazy, I promise.

Now, just to provide some reassurance after all of the doomsday junk, I'm not going to leave PwC anytime soon--like I said before, I enjoy my work, so basically I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that returning to the US is just as major of a change as coming here, and I obviously survived here for three weeks. I should be able to pick up my life in the US where I left it. I would bet that what I'm feeling now is just a reflection of the same fear I felt on my way to Tanzania. Major change is hard and frightening.